My whole life has been a journey before I was even born. I have always held onto this vision or I may have possibly seen heaven at one point of my early life. God has given me the gift of strength, without it I’m not sure where I would be standing during this present time. I remember I was sitting on the edge of long lush dark green flowing soft hay grass. The grass was blowing as lightly as the wind softly breezed thru. Behind me were numerous tall trees rich with life the leaves were the same color of green as the grass. Everything was so beautiful and lively. There was no water to be seen, above was the most perfect light blue sky with the brightest white fluffy clouds you can imagine. As I was sitting on the edge of this long soft hay grass, I looked down below on earth. Earth looked like a map you would see out of an airplane seat high up looking down upon it. On the right of me was a spirit who I could not see and I could not see myself either. I heard her talking to me in a soft voice explaining me how my life was going to be. The first half of my life was going to be very hard and painful. Second half of my life was going to be peace and love that would outweigh the pain. I could feel my heart aching as if I could cry for myself. I also felt the love that was to follow. The love I was feeling over powered the trauma and pain I was feeling. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to choose this life, I said yes because the love would be so much worth it. I am now in my early 40’s and my life has been on a turning point this past year. I have grown a much deeper relationship with God and learned forgiveness was not for those who have hurt me, it was for me so I could finally have peace.

Five years have passed and I was taken from my mother to have a better life that she could not offer me at that time. I lived with her sister and husband in Lafayette, LA. during the 1980’s. I had a good childhood during those few years before my aunt and uncle had separated and divorced. During those four years I carried a dark secret with me until we had moved to Texas. My secret came out that I had been molested by my best friends brother. I was not believed due to the fact their parents were friends of my aunt and uncles and I was spanked with a paddle until I had bruises and was called a liar. My self-esteem went away, depression kicked in. I became boy crazy looking for the perfect boyfriend to start a family with. Just for clarification I only had a few partners during my life. I liked the attention because it boosted my self-esteem. Later on I learned about Co-Dependency and Disorientation.

My whole life I wanted a family of my own that I could give back the love I never felt growing up. I wanted to be loved and I wanted kids that I knew would love me back. I found that love in high school during my freshman year. We fell in love the moment we set eyes on each other. I lost my innocence just before my 15th birthday. Even though I was brought up strict and learned about pregnancy and abortion in Catholic school I still felt the need to have a family for myself. We were very careful and used protection during this time. Both of us wanted to finish school and then get married before starting a family of our own. My aunt found out he was sneaking over after school and we had intercourse. We were forbidden to see each other; this was the beginning of our Romeo and Juliet story which did end tragically. Sneaking around began, skipping classes to spend time together and leaving the house after my aunt went to bed. His family moved to Ohio and he stayed here for me, we were so madly in love. I was moved to the other side of town to live with my uncle. I continued to sneak around and eventually ran away from home. I was caught and ended up moving in with my other aunt and uncle. They allowed us to date supervised. I continued to go to school until one evening my high school sweetheart threatened to leave me if I didn’t run away with him. I made the difficult choice to run away with him. At that time I believed he was the only one that really truly loved me. We slept at friend’s places, backyards, tents, and finally a place in 5th ward. Choice was made to have a baby so ono ne could tear us apart. I stopped taking my birth control pills and became pregnant. Both of us were so happy, then one day the police showed up at his home as I was hiding in the attic under a bunch of cotton fiberglass. Police were just about to leave when they found a small hole cut out in the ceiling where they found me. He was in handcuffs we were only a year and a half apart but he had reached eighteen years of age. With both of us crying as I was tying his shoes he told me to take care of our baby inside of me. I said I would do my best however my family will try to rip it out of me. He gave me all his contact information and I was taken to a girl’s home. My mom who had no rights to me came to pick me up. She said your pregnant aren’t you? I said yes, she said I was having an abortion. My aunt who raised me as a Catholic said I have a choice of adoption. I was living with my mother now and my aunt found all my contacts that were given to me and destroyed them. My mom kept telling me I either have this abortion or I was going to be kicked out onto the street. No contacts for him, nowhere to go, and I already had a taste of what the streets were like. Complete survival mode, picking up change off the ground, food stamps, wondering how you were going to eat and where to sleep. I agreed to have the abortion; my grandfather paid $600 for it. So I guess that’s what the going rate was for destroying a living soul. I was pushed into a corner and felt I really didn’t have any other option in the early 1990’s. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and all I could do was rub my stomach and give my unborn child all my love knowing he/she was about to die. The morning of my abortion I turned the alarm off purposely trying to miss the appointment. My mom woke up very angry and couldn’t understand why the alarm didn’t go off. Of course I never spoke a word of it. We went to the clinic; there was a room full of women waiting to have abortions. I was the youngest one there and the only one crying hysterically. Mom asked me to stop several times I was embarrassing her. I couldn’t stop I was grieving for my baby. A nurse pulled me aside and said this was my choice, I said it wasn’t; my mom is going to throw me out into the streets. I asked if the father had a say in this, she told me no. I felt that was so wrong, this was his baby to it didn’t matter if this was my body this was his child to he had rights I felt. They led me into the procedure room, next to me was a small steel container sitting next to my head it was full of blood from someone else’s abortion. I was scared; my heart was breaking as tears were rolling down my cheeks. The only thing they gave me was laughing gas no other pain meds or sedation of any kind. I felt everything, it felt like a claw grabbing my insides twisting, ripping, and pulling over and over again. I pictured my baby being torn and shredded to pieces and how much pain my baby was in. I cried and screamed for what it seemed like forever. Finally it was over and I laid there for a moment. I sat up and immediately asked how far I was he told me only 6 weeks. That was a lie; I was gone for 3 months, more like 8-10 weeks I felt. I asked if it had a heartbeat, he said no it was just tissue. Again that was another lie I found out later on in Biology. A heart beat begins at 4 weeks a soul is sent the very moment of conception. Billions and billions of sperm race to the egg, only the strongest make it to the egg. You did, you are here right now because you were the strongest. What would it be like if you were not here and your mother would have aborted you? If your mother gave up because you would cost too much to raise or your grandparents forced your mother to abort you because they didn’t want to take care of you? You didn’t have a choice to make it through your nine months of development. Your mother did and the support of her family. I was that fetus that was hidden from abortion and I am thankful to be here no matter how tough life gets. If you are a mother deciding to abort your baby or a grandparent deciding to abort your grandchild, would you change your mind hearing your baby’s or grandchild’s heart beat and seeing he or she moving around on the ultrasound. Could you stand being in the room with your child watching the whole abortion happening while looking into your daughter’s eyes? Are you prepared to have a broken relationship with your daughter possibly for life? Are you prepared after your own abortion to go thru life every year wondering what your child may look like at this age right now? Hearing another baby cry as a reminder you were almost a mom? Are you prepared to handle your own depression, anxiety, nightmares, and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? Will you be able to look at other pregnant women as you happen to walk past them? What about seeing those bumper stickers against abortion or hearing others talk about their own thoughts about abortion. It happens, you losing your baby will hurt if it was your decision or not to end your pregnancy. I live with this every day of my life. Guilt and shame will set in as you carry this dark secret within you. Worried about what your future husband would think of you if he knew. Straight talk ladies I’ve lived it and I have felt it. When I returned to high school, his friend ran into me and stated that he sees I’m not pregnant anymore and called me a murder for weeks and weeks. I ran to the bathroom and lost it, I wanted to die, I wanted the pain to go away. I had no idea how I could go to school each day and face this time after time. Going home I buried these feeling, my grandparents had no idea what I was dealing with at school. I would stay in my room and draw a fetus in my note book and I named him. Yes I felt I was going to have a boy and drawing a fetus; this was the only way I felt close to my lost baby. I was in Biology class and watched the cycle of life and I saw what my baby looked like before he died. He had a heartbeat, eyes, arms, legs, fingers, toes, and was moving around. How could I have been lied to, the doctor lied to me? How could my mom do this to me? I was a murder, I killed my baby, and I knew I was going to hell. Jesus would never forgive me; I broke one of the commandments “Thou shall not kill”. I went on for years and years feeling this way hating my mother. I even got pregnant again at 17 and had a miscarriage which normally happens after an abortion. Another baby lost even though this was an unplanned pregnancy. Abortion can also make you non fertile, it can cause damage to your uterus. Later on down the line and you would like to start a family and learn you are unable to have children, this is something to think about. I hurt thinking of women who I have met actually have had this issue and it is sad to see their guilt and suffering. It wasn’t unit later on in my adulthood life; after speaking with several pastors about my abortion. They all said this was not my sin to carry I was only a child; my mother would carry this sin. I felt relieved but also sad for her. I was angry and had my own resentment towards her; I didn’t want her to have to carry this sin either. I met with my high school sweet heart twelve years later. He already had a family and three kids of his own; he searched for me at one time when their marriage was failing. He told me his wife had an abortion to and it nearly killed him. We talked about my abortion and what happened during that time period. I was so angry and hurt. I threw my wine glass across the sidewalk as it shattered thinking this was supposed to be my husband we were supposed to have a family. He forgave me for my abortion and he also stated to me; I need to let this go and forgive myself. I cried and said I don’t know how and he said I had to its time; you can’t go on like this beating yourself up. Everything in life happens for a reason and we were not supposed to be together. God did bring us together from different states so we may have closer and have forgiveness for our tragedy so we may move on.

The father of this baby (the one I mis-carried) graduated high school and my grandfather approved of him very much. He was very smart and played football, the ideal man in my grandfather’s eyes. When I was having my miscarriage I moved in with him and into his parents’ house. I went to the bathroom in labor like pains and found the sack as I sat down to use the bathroom. We ended up moving into an apartment together and I started working in the office as a Leasing Consultant. A few months later I’m pregnant again. I had a beautiful baby girl named Erin. Shortly after birth Erin was not thriving she was later diagnosed with Congenital Heart Defects. Her heart was like swiss cheese.

Less than a year later I became pregnant again. I was very upset I thought we were being very careful I did not want another baby. Erin was so sick she already had one open heart surgery. I was not going to abort my baby. When I reached 19 week gestation, I had a fetal echo of her heart. Cardiologist told me she was going to have heart defects. As I was leaving the Cardiologist came to me and said I could still have an abortion at 19 weeks. She didn’t want me to go thru this again; I was only 19 years old. I went to the elevator and cried and told my baby girl everything was going to be ok and I was so sorry so very very sorry. Little Meagan was born she was my biggest baby 8lbs, 8 ozs.

She was my most active baby in my tummy. Every time I put Meagan down she would cry for me, even the nurses had to bring her back she wanted me as if she knew her time was short. I remember her lying on my shoulder. She picked up her wobbly head off my shoulder and looked at me in my eyes with love as she blew bubbles out of her mouth her arm gently tucked under her chin. It was such a precious bonding moment. The day I was to take her home she started to fail. She was rushed to a children’s hospital, doctors gave her 90% chance of survival. Meagan’s health started declining very rapidly. She had heart surgery the day before Thanksgiving. The surgeons worked on her for over 8 hours doing the best they could to revive her. Her coronation of her aorta caused the blood not to flow to her lower organs and they were mush from gain green. Her heart beat one time off the heart and lung machine and if she did live she would have been on a feeding tube for the rest of her life. I was crushed, a part of me died with her. As the doctors spoke to me telling me how sorry they were all I could say was God was punishing me, I took his child thru abortion so he took mine. I believed this for years; three years later I lost her sister Erin at four years of age to G tube misplacement.