My Testimony by B.B.

( Written by B.B., a 16 year old girl who battled depression and found her healing through Jesus and the Word of God)

“A lot of questions have been asked this year and last. A lot of these questions, I wasn’t sure how to answer or handle for that matter. I had lost sight of who I was. I started questioning my purpose in life, why I was here, who I was, what I’d become? It all kind of started with a tidbit like this:
When I was almost 12, we moved to Hazel Green, Alabama. I’d never experienced this kind of change before. I’d always lived in the same house and went to the same school. This made making friends a challenge. I didn’t want to get close to anyone, just to leave them in the future, again.
By seventh grade, things were going pretty decent. I had plenty of friends, and started seeing the hope in it all. But, at the end of this year, and leading up to the next, things got kind of rough.
Eighth grade rolled around, and it was probably the hardest year I had yet to face. It started out okay, but that all changed.
Things went downhill. Since I’d never been the ‘popular’ or ‘pretty’ type at school, it weighed me down a lot. Things people would say or joke about started to really get to me. Sometimes, one word could easily break me. But, not like the silence could. Sometimes, I’d feel alone, like really alone, rejected. I was scared of the future, and even of myself. I hated myself, and my life. I felt worthless and unimportant. I didn’t feel good enough or pretty. I’m not the skinniest either. I felt completely useless and didn’t even know why I was born.
My eye shadow got darker that year. I wanted it to, because I wanted it to cover up who I was, because I didn’t like who I was at all. Though I never wore black or dark clothes, I got a new label. Due to the things I did in the future, you could call me an emo.
This label isn’t the best to have, and it weighed me down a lot. No label is ever fun at all.
I would come home from school and lay in my room until dinner, thinking about all this. I’d write stuff down, like my emotions and feelings and stuff. Then, I would hide it, so no one would ever find out. It was scary how dark I had become. I had gotten addicted to really dark, terrible stuff on Youtube. There were these slideshows of pictures, played to the gothic screamo music. These pictures started it all.
I had struggled with mild depression for 2 years. But eighth grade, it became more serious. I had frequent thoughts of suicide because I was tired of life. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t see a purpose, or a reason for life. I would plan how it would all work in my head. What I would do it with, how and where. The future seemed bright without me in it.
Did anyone else know about this? No. Most people at school or church would think I was the happiest person on earth; the ‘happy-go-lucky’ girl that is always laughing or yelling obnoxiously in the hallways, or singing in class for no apparent reason, which is what I wanted people to think. I wore a mask a lot. It helped hide my emotions and cover up the hurt and pain inside. So, no one really knew about it, certainly not my parents.
This made me laugh whenever like a teacher or someone would say they knew me personally, because, they sure as mess did not at all.
But, I did have really close friends that I ended up talking to about it. We helped each other out  a lot.
But, here is where hte pictures lead to thoughts, which led to actions. They were pictures most people would never want to see. They were gory and dark. They were pictures people had taken of their arms, wrists, legs, ankles and of their body where they had mutilated themselves. There were pictures of people crying, and blood dripping from the cuts on their skin. It was dark, and scary. Needless to say, I can’t even look at that stuff to this day.
Anyways, before every video, it would say ‘Warning: Contents May Be Triggering’, which I didn’t really understand at the time. But, one night, I learned what it meant the hard way. I got really upset and over whelmed, so I took a mechanical pencil, and dug it into my ankle. It hurt so bad, but the emotional, mental, and spiritual side of it hurt way worse than the physical. I couldn’t believe what I had done. The guilt really got to me. I would pray a lot for God to forgive me for it all, for what I had done. God and I were really close, but eighth grade changed that. I had turned my back on Him, and went numb. Numbness is something you feel a lot during depression. It’s a scary feeling because you are naive to do just about anything.
Anyways I got up the nerve to tell my closest friend what I had done. I PROMISED never to do it again. That promise was soon broken.
I ended up taking a knife one night, and leaving two scars around the first one on my ankle. There was only a brief moment when I felt relief, but, being a Christian, the relief didn’t last for long.
Satan used guilt and overwhelming situations big time, along with self pity. The guilt would eat me alive from the inside, out. Shame kept me awake, a lot. I would cry a lot at night when everyone was asleep. But, it didn’t end there.
I ended up cutting one more time. This is the one that left the biggest scar I have. After that, I realized if I did this again, I might get carried away, or go too deep, which, scared me.
I knew the stats and facts of it all. Here are some of them:

There are many other facts about it, but I am not here to give facts about it,  Depression became serious for me. I was ready to take my life at any minute. It was scary.
Then, in Sunday School, we started talking about how we should read the Bible and study it. So, I tried it out. It was addicting. So, I read a chapter a day. Things started clearing up, and though I couldn’t erase it, I put my past under a rug and tried to forget about it.  But, sometimes, things would stir it up. Flashbacks and relapses happened often. But, I learned to go to the Bible and pray.
Soon, I felt like I had overcome depression, and everything with it. It felt amazing. God even let me in on a few hints as to why it all happened. He used it to bring me closer to Him, and to strengthen my faith. To show me how crafty satan is. God showed me that He was there the whole time, and heard every cry of pain and hurt, and caught all the tears I had shed. There are many other things that God has done with it. It gives me an opportunity to help out people who might have hurt or problems, or just need someone. I have close relationships to some people because of it. Whenever someone is upset, my first instinct is to let them know that they are not alone, because, I can’t live with the fact that they might try self- mutilation or want suicide as the answer. It’s something I can’t really change. My past has shaped me for the better.  It all sounds great doesn’t it? Like a fairy tale ending.
Well, I cut during the, months of March, April, May, and June. The cutting took place last year (2011). One night (last month of this year 2012) I found out due to several incidents that I was reliving the months of last year. And, I ended up giving into a relapse satan had set up. I took my straightener and burnt my forearm with it. It brought back some memories.
This time, though, the past was taken out from under the rug and revealed to my youth leaders. Then, my parents found out.  I can’t even begin to describe the way I felt about it. I was angry…bitter. I shut myself off from them and got easily annoyed with their help. It was like my biggest secret that was my life had just been taken and thrown up in the air for everyone to see. It was all gone, everything. And it hurt, like crap.
I refused help from my parents and also from my youth leaders. Me and a friend got into it big time and ended up splitting for a while. It was hard, but not just for me. People around me started getting affected by the way I had been acting at school and at home.
I honestly didn’t know what to do. The future scared me. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me, or to everyone else. Things got pretty rough.
But, God ended up cracking my ice cold heart. And I had to chunk my pride and get down to apologizing to the people I had hurt. (which was difficult)
Things have cooled off now, but it was hard. I can bravely admit to you that I have, I HAVE, overcome depression. It doesn’t hold me anymore. And,…I am going make it to my sweet 16 birthday. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but for a while, I never even thought I was going to live to be 15.  But, here I am.
The verses in the Bible that saved me from a lot is 1 Peter 4:12-13-‘Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may be glad with exceeding joy.’ If you think about that, it is pretty hard to do; to thank God and praise Him for the hardships and pain. Because, us humans have a tendency to wallow in self- pity and blame God. The last thing on our mind is to just thank Him for all of it. It’s hard to do. But, if we can look at it from His perspective, which is difficult, we will see His motives behind the trials in this life.
Don’t ever, ever, be afraid to talk to your parents or youth ministers about stuff. You can talk to me or to anyone else about anything. Just know, that you are not alone, ever. And you all mean a lot to me.
After everything, I wouldn’t change my past. It made me so strong in my faith with God. I can relate to people now. And, maybe, just maybe, I can help people now.
Satan is gonna try and knock me down again though. But, this time,  I will be ready.
He is gonna hit you pretty hard too. Don’t give into it. Don’t let him control you. And don’t you dare, ever, turn your back on God for him.
Your life story is like a book. One of my favorite quotes is: ‘Move on. It’s just a chapter in the past. But don’t close the book yet. Just turn the page.’ God has plans for your life, but you have to LIVE to fulfill them.”